How to be a great listener | 5 Tips
The sun lingered on the horizon as if waiting for the closing clouds. My friend and I entered the coffee shop nearby. We sipped our iced macchiato and talked ‘till we ran out of stories. In our afternoon conversation, I created a safe environment for her to vent out her issues where her emotions are validated. I let her speak. After listening, I actively support her by asking questions and suggesting solutions that might help ease the tension. If there’s a conflict between her and someone, I help her to see the situation in a different light, making sure not to sound judgmental.
However, it isn’t every time I’m mindful of how I talk and listen to people. I must admit I am nowhere near to becoming a great listener. As part of Generation Z, I can’t seem to put down my phone even if I’m having an intimate conversation with others. With today’s digital age, I’m having a hard time focusing, ending up checking on social media likes rather than checking up with my friends and family. Being distracted with negative thoughts, never-ending to-do lists, and countless Youtube recommendations, it is difficult to concentrate and hear the mundane, subtle sounds. Observing nonverbal cues like body language, facial expressions, nuances of voice seems like a vague blur to me.
The world is a noisy place visually and auditorily. The world is getting busier, more crowded, and fast-paced. Combine that fact with a lifetime of exposure to loud sirens, engines revving up, and shouting billboards, we have a recipe for difficult speech understanding. As everything is instant nowadays, people are getting more impatient making it harder to pay attention to the quiet, the subtle, the understated.
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.
Let’s face it, “We are losing our listening.”
Good listening is a skill we all need to acquire because it allows us to demonstrate that we are paying attention to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of the other person and seeing the world through their eyes. This is crucial to maintaining healthy, productive relationships, and the only way to establish communication and connection.
As I read the article of Zenger and Folkman, I came up with these questions. What does it take to be a great listener? How can I be a great listener? Their research suggests that a good listener is not a sponge that absorbs but a trampoline to bounce ideas off. Rather than pulling your ideas and energy, a good listener can amplify, energize, and clarify your thinking. With that in thought, I believe that a listener, not only listens but most importantly creates ideas, imparts knowledge, and creativity. By actively supporting the other person, it can lead to the start of igniting trust and building rapport which is vital to human beings as we are social beings by nature.
Here are 5 tips on how to become a great listener or at least better than before.
1. tbh, just listen.
“Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.” - Epictetus
Sometimes we just need someone to listen to our creative ideas, profound questions, or rants about how the day went. Sometimes, we need to just let it all out and let things flow. In the back of our minds, we know we can figure it on our own, we just need to feel that someone is and will ever be there for us, no matter what happens.
Being quiet and present at the moment is enough. Every so often, you don't need to reply.
Let the person talk.
Less of you talking, more of you listening.
Avoid jumping into conclusions.
2. if you're zoning out, be honest and say it.
When the conversation stretches too long, your mind slowly wanders and you might be caught not paying attention. If this occurs to you, be honest and say that maybe you need to take a break and eventually get back to it after a few minutes. It's okay to not get everything in one go. We all need time to process the information being given to us.
Pause and take it slow.
3. stop scrolling, put down your phone.
We feel unheard and dismissed when someone is not closely paying attention to what we're saying.
For the longest time, I too have been guilty of this as well as a victim of it. We all have been wired to view that multi-tasking is like a badge of honor. Being able to do a lot of things at once seems like a good skill for us. However, this unconsciously breaks our focus and lowers our mental capability.
Putting your phone down helps us to not get caught up into notifications and avoid distractions. It is a sign of respect to establish eye contact and to stop scrolling or chatting if you're in front of someone who's talking.
So the next time you're with someone, try to practice to leave your phone in your bag and indulge yourself in the authenticity of the connection.
4. ask questions to keep it going.
You need to understand the substance of what the other person is saying. You must ask questions, and restate issues to confirm that your understanding is deemed to be accurate. Asking questions can spark new insights and makes it a two-way conversation.
One should be able to feel safe and validated. Create a safe space where emotions are allowed, without any criticisms or judgment.
5. in the end, share your thoughts & opinions.
We all view the world from different perspectives and that is the main reason why we all should have a cooperative conversation that allows feedback flowing in both directions, challenging ideas, or issues without making the other person feel offensive or neglected.
Along with the words of J. Zenger and J. Folkman, a great listener asks questions that clarify assumptions the other person holds and helps the other person to see the issue in a new light. This could include the listener injecting some thoughts and ideas about the topic that could be useful to the other person. However, good listeners never highjack the conversation so that they or their issues become the subject of the discussion.